


Albatross

by MelRows



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Character Study, First War with Voldemort, M/M, Post-First War with Voldemort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-16
Updated: 2018-08-16
Packaged: 2019-06-28 02:06:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15697941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MelRows/pseuds/MelRows
Summary: The monster lives in him, and the monster is a part of him. And no one could ever love the monster except a monster.





	Albatross

If Fenrir Greyback intended his attack to force humility upon Lyall Lupin, he underestimated the man’s pride. Lyall Lupin despised all werewolves on principle before his son was bitten, and he despised all but one after, for his pride was only matched by his devotion to his son. Remus was brought to half of the healers, alchemists, and swindlers in Western Europe by the age of eight, but to no avail.

His mother was a brilliant muggle woman who instilled in him a great love of learning through her imaginative story telling. He remembers the tales of knights and dragons she told to him and the tales of sick grandparents and the flu he caught from visiting relatives she told to every new group of neighbors and parents of friends before suspicions grew too great and they had to move again to hide what he was.

His parents were willing to sacrifice everything for him, but their position was quite clear: they loved their son, but they hated the monster that lived in him.

But then he was at Hogwarts, and he found James and Sirius and Peter, and he was shocked when they, after learning the truth, not only tolerated him, but celebrated him. The same condition that had caused the end to every childhood friendship seemed to solidify their brotherhood. James, who took every opportunity to make jokes about his furry little problem, as though the wolf were not some secret to be hidden, but a mildly embarrassing inside joke at Remus’ expense; Peter, who would shower Remus with cauldron cakes smuggled from the kitchens in gratitude for once again being his personal fountain of knowledge and his last best hope for passing his classes; and Sirius.

Sirius, who blazed as bright and hot as his namesake. Sirius, who, at age 13, hexed a seventh year prefect who made fun of Remus’ scars. Sirius, who was quick to anger but quicker to laugh. It was no wonder that careful, reticent Remus fell in love with him. And what a surprise when Sirius fell in love with him, too.

For years it was wonderful, until the war caught up with them, and they were losing friends and former classmates every other week. Dumbledore tasked him with gathering intelligence from the turned werewolves in the north. He encouraged Remus to take up legilimency to get the most out of a group that would be distrustful at best and openly hostile at worst. A lifetime of his well-being resting on the suspicions and attitudes of those around him had primed him for the subject, and he mastered the basics quickly.

But the work was isolating and humiliating and, at times, disturbing. The look of approval and something darker on the faces of the pack whenever he let the wolf override his human sensibilities made his stomach crawl. They let themselves become their monsters; he didn’t want their approval. But he had a job to do, and there was nothing for it.

Each time he returned to London, people on the street seemed to give him wider berths, as though the wolf was making himself more pronounced as time wore on. James hadn’t responded to his last letter. Even Peter eyed him warily from across the table as he rasped out his latest report. Later, as Remus slammed Sirius up against the brick wall in the alley outside of the Order meeting, desperate and a bit mad, grabbing whatever parts of him he could reach, Remus was forced to concede that perhaps the passers-by of London and James Potter and Peter Pettigrew had a point. The fact that the thought didn’t quite bother him gave him pause, and he momentarily ceased his assault on Sirius’ neck to look into his eyes. Want and desire and the same sharp bits Remus felt coming loose in his own head stared back at him.

“Fuck, you’re the best thing I’ve seen in months,” Remus breathed into the unseasonably frigid mid-October air. Goosebumps were forming on his arms. But the want and desire in Sirius’ eyes morphed into something softer, and Sirius’ words came unbidden into Remus’ mind, _I love every part of you_. Remus felt warmth rush through him. He cracked a small grin before leaning down and claiming Sirius’ mouth.

A fortnight later, Remus sat at a table in the Hog’s Head as Dumbledore’s words ended his life as he knew it. For a moment Remus thought he’d been hit with a Disillusionment Charm. He felt an icy tingle spread down his spine. But there was no charm, and the chill slowly working its way through his body was the creeping horror as he realized the extent of Sirius’ betrayal. All of them gone.

If Remus didn’t know what a stubborn asshole he was, he could have told himself that it wasn’t Sirius’ fault, that he’d been tortured to give up Lily and James’ location. But Remus knew that no one could make Sirius Black do a single goddamn thing he didn’t want to do. And besides, there were twelve dead muggles and a dead _Peter_ to disavow him of any sympathetic notions. The chill engulfed him and goosebumps appeared on his arms the same way they had two weeks ago in the alley after the Order meeting.

The coldness of his body consolidated quite rapidly to form a weight in his stomach as Remus was forced to draw from the facts two irrefutable conclusions.

  1. Sirius Black loved every part of him, and


  1. Sirius black is a monster.



And all at once the pieces fell into place, and Sirius’ betrayal lost any aura of mystery. Of course. How could it have been any different? he wondered. He understood, now, what his parents tried to teach him as a child but never had the heart to tell him. It was the reason they worked so tirelessly to find a cure and keep his secret.

The monster lives in him, and the monster is a part of him. And no one could ever love the monster

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah, I got this short sad headcanon and started crying even though the series ended like 11 years ago, so I decided to make you all suffer with me. I'm hogwartshiddenswimmingpool on tumblr. Come say hi!


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